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I stood on the beach waiting for Kabir. Waves flashed and huts smoked—bandits in the night. I heard ancient tongues from the water. Urdu, I thought. Meems and alifs swam into shells, my palms, my ears.

I carried the shells to the garden, empty like my linger. I saw the blush of rain on leaves, the silk of dawn lifting, stones scrubbing the riverbed—and I was bored. Which Kabir would it be? Kabir the homeless hero. Kabir struck by a lightning twig. Kabir by a rose bush. A lime tree. A thousand birds in the sky, but held—still—to clouds, branches, stars. Kabir the scratch of time.

Now I sit on the steps of the temple. Noon limps in the courtyard and broods. I get up and sweep. Tomorrow Kabir is a stranger.
©2007-2009 `lovetodeviate
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Submitted: April 5, 2007
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Author's Comments

Edited 29/06/07 Thank you to `GeneratingHype and ^PoeticWar for critique as well as everyone else who read and commented on this.


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For April Forum competition week one.

line: I sit on the steps of the temple

meem, alif: letters in Urdu (which I don't know, but I know a couple of letters, because I'm that obsessed)
Daily Deviation, 2007-04-08

Daily DeviationKabir by ~lovetodeviate is a very finely written prose poem. (Suggested by `Amberlouie and Featured by `PoeticWar)

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Comments


This piece just shook my senses awake, or something. :thumbsup:

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*WordCount : Prose Exposure
Wow! Simply fantastic!

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Reflexivos. Profundos como los mares que encharcan cuan inmensa sea la nostalgia de un ayer perdido, que en temporada de flores añejas, se abre en un letárgico suspiro... Nostalgia, flor de otoño...

-Alejandra S.-
When I was reading this, I could taste the words.
Nice smooth flow, and word choice = excellent
and alas :+fav:

:heart: amber

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:bulletred: Clearfield Review - Prose Editor
Urdu, I thought. Meems and alifs swam into shells, [my palms, and then ]my ears.

You might not need the "and then", though I am not fond of the "then" before palms.

I carried the shells to the garden, empty like my linger. I saw the blush of rain on leaves, the silk of dawn lifting, stones scrubbing the river-bed[--]and I was bored.

A thousand birds in the [sky--but still held] to clouds, branches, stars.


or

A thousand birds in the [sky, but still held] to clouds, branches, stars.

There are many things I like about this: noon limping and brooding is something I wish I would've come up with myself; stones scrubbing the river-bed is wonderful; the first line is very good--that villians part gripped me. You might want to consider personifying time by giving it a capital "T"; I think it's fitting here.

All that said, I feel like I have missed some inside joke--which is no fault of yours, but more my being unfamiliar with several things. Yet, even in missing it, I really enjoyed this piece.

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Suggest a Lit DD today!
a captivating piece with great illusive imagery.
a poetic homage to an influential teacher~!~
namaste

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:peace: pass
sometimes you make me gasp out loud.
Thank you! :)

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Thank you. :)

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Thank you! You know I appreciate it. :)

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Thanks, Bill!

What do you think of:

A thousand birds in the sky, but held--still--to clouds, branches, stars. ?

I find that it makes more sense, but I'm not quite sure as yet.

Hm, I wonder what you missed though. This is one of the few poems of mine that I like because I think of different situations for the girl each time. Right now I have one interpretation that I like a lot, and if you like, I'll whisper it to you sometime. :)

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